I was grouchy today. Tired, fed up, no energy grouchy. Not much energy to even speak so sorry Jane for not being on top form this lunchtime. It’s not often I have these days but today was one. I think it’s a combination of being tired (not a great night’s sleep and a weird dream), being hungry, having a bit of PMT and it just being the last few weeks before I go. It’s starting to hit me I think. In a few weeks time I won’t be here.
People keep saying to me “Are you excited, looking forward to it, etc.”. Today the answer was No. That’s how grouchy I was. Not like me, oops. I’ve been asked the question so many times, especially over the last week or so it’s a bit repetitive. I’m pleased of course that people are interested. But I just feel shattered about it all. Of course I am excited and looking forward to it. But it still seems a bit unreal. I don’t feel like I’ve had a break for months. Constant stuff to do. Yep, I know I’ll soon have a year long break, I know. But. It’s exhausting.
I’ve also realised that these last few weeks feel a bit funny. I almost just want to go now. Right now. Skip the waiting, the goodbyes and just go. I feel like I’m sat here on a suitcase just waiting. Watching the clock. Wishing away the days and hours. I don’t want to, of course, I want to enjoy these last few weeks. Make the most of them. But I also realise it’s going to be a bit of a wrench. I’ve said goodbye to a couple of people already. I found it a bit difficult. I’m going to have to say goodbye to a lot more soon. I’m going to have to say goodbye to a couple of people that in all probability I might never see again. I‘m not looking forward to it.
And yes, before you say it, I know it’s my choice to go and I have to deal with it. And I am. Please don’t think I’m ungrateful. It’s just a little bit hard. Harder than I thought it would be actually. I didn’t realise how much of my life is here. And how much of a new life I’d made in just over 18 months.
I know I’ll be fine as soon as I get on that plane. Excitement will have kicked in. My adventure will have started. Thinking about all the things I’ll see, experience and all the new people I will meet. But until then I might get a bit more grouchy. Sorry about that, I’ll try not to.
I was cheered up a little bit by some pretty spring blossom and Film Club tonight though. Karl made us hot dogs. This was Good. 😀
Yep, I know I’ve been a bit slack at blogging lately. A mixture of being busy and not having time, and not having much to write about. Which, actually isn’t really true, because there’s ALWAYS something to write about. I found that out when I was doing my photo a day. But, this week, I guess I’ve just not been paying that much attention to the little details. And had other things on my mind.
Still, there’s a couple of little thought bubbles that have popped into my head recently. First one: heels. When I go travelling, I’m only taking 3 pairs of shoes; hiking shoes, a pair of flip flops and my runners. So, no heels. So for at least a year I won’t be wearing heels. I feel a bit conflicted at this. On one hand, as a woman there’s something nice about strutting around in a pair of heels. They make me stand up straighter, make my hips wiggle and can make a nice clickety-clack noise. On the other hand, they can make my feet hurt, can be clunky and aren’t good for walking long distances or running in. Which leads me to my other thought about heels. I don’t wear them that often. Only really for going out. At night. When I don’t have to walk very far. Or at work. I could wear them more, but I’ve also had this thought at the back of my head since I was little about being in suitable clothes (mainly footwear) just in case there was some kind of disaster/zombie attack/armageddon* where I might need to run, or prepared for something, or go on the road. I have no idea why (maybe watching too many films like Terminator, Transformers etc). Yes, I know the possibility of this being needed is pretty much zero, but still, it’s always there. And yes, I know this is weird and I can never explain it right, but, it does mean that the thought of not wearing heels for a year is OK by me. And I’ll be better prepared to outrun any zombies.
And I was reminded again this week how much I will miss Film Club and my buddies. They said this week that it was good that I was going travelling as they got to share me with the world and such specialness shouldn’t be kept in one place. I suspect they might have been taking the piss about my stupid questions and chit chat throughout the film but I’m taking it that it’s nice to be liked 😉 We’ve said we’ll try to get a Google hangout or similar every now and then for a special Film Club. It won’t quite be the same but I couldn’t manage to get them to come abroad for Film Club on Tour so it’ll have to be the next best thing.
*delete as appropriate