Sunset stillness.

I went up ‘the hill’ (Leckhampton) tonight to watch the sunset. I’ve got a little spot up there (next to a little tree near the Devil’s Chimney) where I go if I need to sit and think and be reminded that there’s bigger things out there than myself, or give myself a kick up the arse.

I found the spot shortly after I’d moved to Chelts after walking up there after a conversation with a guy I’d had a short but intense fling with before I moved. It was something that imploded quite badly for all concerned and a lot of hurt was felt. I think it’s fair to say that I fucked it up, he fucked it up and neither of us handled it well. ‘Could do better at communicating’ would be top of a school report for that fling. Lots of reasons but bad timing and wanting different things also scored highly. Things have worked out for the best; he’s living the life he always wanted with the house, the girlfriend and the baby, which is ironically pretty much the same life I walked away from with my marriage (down to living in the same village), and I’m living the life I always wanted; moving away, going on adventures and not living that life. Neither is right or wrong, just what’s right for both of us.

Last Friday I bumped into him while out for the first time in nearly 18 months. We chatted. A lot. About all that had happened back then, and all that had happened since. Bittersweet conversations about what was and what could have been, but what now never could be.

What we lost most though, was a great friendship. It can never be the same, in fact, it can never now be at all. What I was reminded of was of how well we got on and how much of a laugh we had. And damn, do I miss that. Because that’s the main thing, right there. Underneath everything else, that’s important to me. And there will always be the part of me that knows that I could have had it. But I fucked it up.

I’ve come to terms with that now though, and deep down, I know it’s for the best. As I vaguely remember saying to him in a bit of a drunken haze, he wanted the family life and all I could offer him was climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. But, doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t mean I don’t need to go sit in my spot for a bit and get it all out.

I just really need to try to not fuck similar things up in the future. If I ever get the chance. All the people I meet so far are either dicks (and I’m rapidly losing my initial good judge of character), not actually interested in my brain or (in their own words) put off/intimidated by someone who’s independent and confident. Just because someone doesn’t need to be in a relationship, doesn’t mean they don’t want to be. There’s a lot of love to be given here. Just don’t ask me to go cushion shopping. And just because I don’t plan ahead doesn’t mean I am discounting the idea of ‘settling down’ with someone. Just my settling down doesn’t involve EastEnders and a trip to the local every Friday and B&Q on a Sunday for the next 20 years.

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